Customer Service With a Smile

I work in Customer Service, so I come in contact with many people daily. From the person who rings up my gas, to the person who hands me my morning coffee, to the people who call my service center for help with their particular issue. I always approach my job by putting myself in their shoes.

Each day, I talk to about 40 different people, sometimes more or less. But I always try to leave them a piece of my smile. A feature that hasn't been genuinely with me for a very long time. It's very hard to force a smile, but I've got an awesome sense of humor that helps when the smile won't budge. It's the only thing I had left after this relationship, he'd "destroyed" everything else.

When I first started this blog a couple weeks ago, I wasn't intending for "world recognition" or even site recognition. Imagine my surprise when I logged in tonight to make my weekly post and discovered that PurestGreen and Alistair had posted comments for me. (Thank you again!!)

They will never know how those posts affected me.

It's been a little over 6 weeks since my boyfriend was arrested for slamming my head against the cabinets with our two year old as a witness (before anyone calls the authorities, they are already involved....I called them). This was the 3rd time that I had called the police over his abuse...not the 3rd time that he's done it, just the 3rd time that I'd had enough, and called.

In those 6 weeks...I'd moved from the common home we'd shared back in with my parents. I've not discussed my thoughts or feelings or even really what happened with anyone, other than the police and the DCS department. I've gone internal with all of my feelings, thoughts and reactions. I keep it to myself.

I just go through my days, which have turned to weeks, praying each day will be better. The one thing that's been constant is my growing sense of self. Which, let's face it, if you've ever been involved in anything like this, you know what I'm talking about. You loose yourself in the other person. You become so obsessed with warding off the next "outburst" that you give up everything just to make sure he's happy.

You let go of family, friends, and God forgive me, but you put your children second, after his needs are met. You let go of yourself, your looks, your ideas, your thoughts, hell, even your basic decision making skills are gone... you become his shadow, his maid, his whatever he needs at the time to keep him from blowing up....and there are times when that doesn't work...like 6 weeks ago.

This time my son witnessed his father's actions. Before, none of our kids had ever witnessed his "outbursts". Alistair had verbalized my worst fear. He's never shown any violence towards our children, in fact, he's the opposite, but after this last time... that thought was in the back of my head. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he ever hurt any of the kids....

PurestGreen mentioned martyrdom, as well. Thank you. I'd been looking for a definition of what I'd been feeling. That's exactly it. Throughout all of our relationship, I kept telling myself that no one has ever given him a chance or they had all screwed him over or they had never understood him or that he'd always gotten the raw end of the deal...insert any excuse you like here...my point is I was willing to stay and sacrifice and give up and let go cause I'd interpreted his past as he'd been treated wrong. When all along, it was him, not his past or not me.

I had been knocked down so much by then that not only had I lost myself, but everything that went with that, except my sense of humor. Go figure. Thank God, cause that's what has gotten me through everything lately, and really helped in rebuilding myself back up.

Alistair said it best...I know what I have to do, I just haven't accepted it.

Does it break my heart? Yes, but he'd already done that so this is just like pouring salt in it. But my son witnessed his "outburst" this time. What if next time....

I've been talking to him, and he constantly tells me that he misses me and that he can't wait to see me...but what we don't talk about is why he's there, we just talk about him getting out and what to do to make that happen and when it will be. We don't talk about the pain he's caused me and the kids and our families...cause that would upset him and, Lord, knows we can't upset him while he's in jail....

We don't even mention the reason that he's even there...cause that would be bringing up the past. That would be upsetting him. While I am still in love with him...something has changed lately that never had happened before...I am starting to realize just what I'm worth and what I will and will not put up with.

I'm starting to find my balls, frankly.

I had a few before he and I met, but while we were together I became a doormat, afraid of my own shadow. But now, I'm the one taking care of my kids, going to work every day, getting relationships back with my kids and my parents... hell, I'm getting relationships back with someone other than him....

My point to this whole post was....excellent customer service PurestGreen and Alistair, you left me with a piece of your smile....

Till next week....

Thanks to the Cabinets

When you're in love, nothing makes sense.... and absolutely nothing matters.... You want to spend every waking minute with that love of your life and every breathing second next to him no matter if you're asleep, passed out or just sitting there picking your nose.

The point is...it doesn't matter.... it doesn't matter if he gets mad over something trivial and ignores you for 3 days; it doesn't matter if he smiles and talks to everyone else but not you, even though you've spent every moment agreeing with him and attending to his every need; it doesn't matter that he gets mad at you for a friend of his texting you a simple 'Happy Valentine's Day' and then makes you cry all day (and, you didn't return the text... nor did *he* even offer a 'Happy Valentine's Day' to you, even when you did to him); it doesn't matter that he slams your head into the cabinets for really no reason at all....

Love is blind... and very, very stupid... and sometimes too forgiving....

That's where I am.... standing here, a stupid look on my face, a broken heart, and wearing the damn T-shirt for women everywhere like me.... "What? I bruise very easy. He IS sorry... for the fifth time..."

I used to believe that the man who said that he loved me would defend me from any harm. That he would "beat-up" anyone who would try to hurt me.... currently, the only person he has beat up, is me.... I can talk him down from attacking OTHER people, I just can't stop him from hurting ME.... other than to be away from him.... like now.

That DOES make sense to me... Let me just clear one thing up right now, I AM educated and I DO know right from wrong.... I just got lost for a bit and have recently, thanks to the cabinets, been enlightened as to what I'm worth and what I'm not going to take....

It's just hard getting my head and my heart on the same page.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and that is not just a denfense on his part. He IS a great guy. He just cannot drink whiskey. It's like flippping a switch with him. One minute he's standing there talking, the next he's tossing you across the room. It makes no sense.

So, right now, I'm staying with my parents, and he's in jail.

My heart is breaking because I know he's a great guy. And I am completely and utterly in love with him.

I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to be what and who he wanted. I walked around with blinders on so that I did not do anything to make him mad. I walk around on egg shells so as to not make him mad. I did not talk to ANYONE just so I would not risk pissing him off.

It did absolutely no good. We still fought. He thought any male that I talked to I was screwing. I wasn't. I wanted only him. I'm fairly certain that he was faithful to me too. Our main issue is that everyone in our past has screwed us over... Even though we know we are meant to be together, we still did not beleive each other or trust each other farther than we could throw each other... it is sick... and very sad. We've spent 4 years togehter and it's a stent in jail that finally makes us admit how we both really feel to each other.

"Hey, I love you, but I don't trust you."

That's pretty f***ed up. But pretty much what happened. At first that was okay with me, till the cabinets, then I started thinking that I should not... would not be ANYONE's punching bag. I'm better than that. HE's better than that.

He says he's sorry. I've heard that before. We've been together for 4 years and this is the 3rd time the police have been involed, but I can't tell you the number of times that he's said he's sorry.

I want to believe him on this sorry, but my head is telling me what everyone else who cares about me is saying, "He'll do it again. Maybe not next month or 6 months from now. But he WILL do it again. Maybe that time, he'll even kill you."

But my heart is completly listening to him... I can't shut the feelings off just because it is "socallly" correct, or because the police or a judge says I have too... it doesn't happen that way...

I love him....

*Sigh* ... But I know what's right, and I know what's wrong.

Like I said, I just have to get my heart and my head on the same page....

But then again, time does heal a lot of wounds..... and if he could prove that he has changed.... But I know.... it takes a lot to make a person change... and even more to convince someone that a person has really changed....

So you see where I am... the Back of Beyond... I have no idea where I am... I love him and I hate him... Is that normal???

Till next time....

In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created Man.

Then He eventually created Woman to keep Man, not only company but, let's face it, in line. Although Eve gave Adam the apple, he didn't have to eat it, but he did. Thus, history was made....and, zillions of years later, woman all over the world are still hearing about it and "paying" for it, and still receiving the "blame" for offering the apple that, after it was all said and done, ended Eden.

Okay, so my point is, if God created Adam first, then by birth order, he was the older and supposedly wiser of the two. I've read the Bible many, many times over my life, and also read many different religious versions of the Bible. However, you know, Adam could have said no, and being the older of the two, could have said, "Hey Evie, I'm sure the Big Guy would get a little pissed over us eating from that particular tree", but oh no, when it was all said and done... Eve got the blame.

That's my point.

The man messes up and women are left to clean up the mess. Now this blog is not in any way meant to be a religious blog. It's just my blog. Read it long enough and you'll understand why I began the way that I did.

Till next time....