When In Doubt...Laugh

I have an awesome sense of humor. I've always felt that's the one thing that has gotten me through my trials and tribulations up to now. That, and I'm extremely stubborn and determined when I want and need to be.

Usually, when life hands me lemons, instead of making lemonade, I juggle the yellow fruit and laugh. Not a chuckle, but a heart-felt, tear-inducing, side-splitting laugh. Okay, so that doesn't solve the problem, but it does make it easier to deal with the lemon-thrower, and eventually, the lemons themselves.

I've had some lemons thrown lately...which led me to this post, obviously.

I should clarify that the lemons (and I promise I'll stop using the "lemon" metaphor) were not thrown all at once, but slowly I've begun to realize that I have a few issues that I need to address.

Another thing about me...I love the River of Denial. I'll swan-dive headfirst into the center and backstroke around in circles until I'm exhausted, with the reasons that I'm emersing myself in the cool blackness waving at me from the grassy banks, teeth barred.

I have this talent of convincing myself that situations or issues that I don't want to deal with do not somehow apply to me. In my mind, if I don't think about them or even acknowledge them, they'll just simply go away like a whisper on the wind.

Those of us here in the Real World know this does not happen. Heh. All that causes is a nervous breakdown, or an avalanche of lemons (sorry, couldn't resist that one more time).

I thought I had a grip on the whole denial thing, but I realized lately, that I don't. The rug that I sweep everything under is looking like it's expecting babies anytime. So, I've started pulling one issue at a time out from under the rug and outright dealing with it. Something I'm very new at.

My whole point now is to control my life and not let it control me.

I'm off track and I've tried to remember in the past how I've dealt with getting back on track...then it hit me....with waves and rolls of laughter. I laughed 'till I cried. I slapped my thigh wiping tears and holding my stomach. I bellowed and tittered so loud my daughters thought I was having a breakdown of sorts!

However, the next morning when I got out of bed and wondered why my stomach muscles hurt, I smiled that knowing smile and laughed again...

Church Is In Session

Sigh.

I've been trying to write this entry for several weeks now. It seemed there was always a "reason" why I couldn't make an entry. See, when I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would be honest with myself when I posted here. No bullshit, and no saying what I thought should be said, but what I felt. Sort of my version of a church, so to speak.

I couldn't understand why I was having such a difficult time writing when one, I love to write and two, I love to have an opinion. Then I realized...I wasn't ready to be honest with myself.

It's been awhile since I've posted and Alistair, bless you, even posted to check on me. I wasn't ready to be truthful when that's the one thing I've been so adamant about lately.

He got out of jail two weeks ago tomorrow...

Yeah, I wasn't sure how I felt about that for awhile. Part of me was happy, not only for our son and his mother, but myself as well. But the majority of myself felt caged and smothered. Obviously, that worried me. Why did I feel trapped or that I couldn't breathe when I supposedly loved this person so much?

That same part of myself wondered then why he hurt me in the first place if he loved me so much? Why did he put me, and our families, through all this pain and suffering? Why did it take so much for him to realize what he had and what he wanted?

Did he realize how many times I'd heard the things he was saying? Did he know that I did not believe him? Did he care? I was astonished that I really didn't believe him. I was amazed that I really believed that I deserved better. I was terrified that I knew from the moment I saw him that I didn't have any chances left for him. Where did that leave us and our son?

I struggled with that for a long time, resorting to my old ways of putting off things that I loved and enjoyed doing. I began to walk on eggshells and hid my feelings so as to not upset him. I back-tracked by trying to make everyone, but myself and my children, happy.

I forgot why I decided to live again.

Because I was, am, worth more and deserve much better...because my KIDS are worth more and deserve so much better...

When I finally got to my feet again, I felt like I was starting all over. I got mad that everyone was worried about their feelings and how this was effecting them. Really? I sure as hell don't remember anyone else there on those nights!! No one, in the last several weeks, asked how I felt about all this. All I heard was everyone else's suggestions, opinions, and feelings...

Finally, my mother asked how I felt...and the dam broke.

Fear, confusion, love, excitement, anger, resentment...I'm a rainbow of emotions. However, the strongest emotion is determination. I will not be hurt again. I will not put my...our children through any more pain. They are first in my life, everything else is second.

For the first time in my life, I am standing on my own two feet. I actually like it. I don't want to give it up. I love my independence and freedom. I love the fact that I'm starting to really like myself and believe in myself.

I love the fact that I'm getting to know my kids all over again. We play and talk and cry...we're becoming a family. I'm their world and they're mine.

Maybe this post isn't as fluid as the others, or perhaps this one is a bit more raw and scattered. Either way, the point of the whole post is...I came, and I did post, and I was honest with myself...

I don't need a man to complete me. I'm just now realizing that. I need my kids, and I have that. If I go back to him...then I may loose them and I will NEVER EVER risk loosing them again... I came too close this last time, on many levels.

I'm realizing my denial. I'm accepting my reality.

It's very hard to go through something like this. There's two sides to this equation...the side that hates him, and doesn't want to hear anything at all about him; and the side that's for him, and doesn't want to hear anything bad about him. I have no one to talk to about this.

So, I came here...

I'm in the process of researching a website dedicated to domestic violence. I'd started a website years ago to deal with another tough issue, and it helped not only myself, but many others...I'm hoping the idea will work again.

And again, not only helping myself, but others in my shoes...

Also, I plan to write again. I was good at that once upon a time, actually very good. I plan to write what I know....

So, I guess the moral to this lesson is denial is a deep, dark river and if not careful, one can convince themselves of things that aren't, and can never be, and end up drowning in the river they've spent a lifetime filling.

Amen.