Life Interuptted

I haven't posted in a very long time. One, life, as it always does, interfered, and two, I haven't had internet access for a very long while. But, I'm back online again and moving forward.

My mother passed away in August from a prolonged illness. No matter how old you are, it still hurts to be without your mom. I miss her terribly. I go to pick the phone up to call her or want to see her or tell her something a daughter would share with her mother, then I remember....

But I come from a strong family. And have some incredible friends. Me and my family are getting through this and slowly going on...one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

More later... Just a short post to say I'm still here and still kicking!

Carpe Diem

Seize the day.

Today, my mother, a 12 year survivor of breast cancer, had a biopsy for skin cancer cut off of her chest; my son's grandmother, who's like a mother to me, was admitted to the ER for an infection from her feeding tube. She's been battling lung cancer with everything she's got...and then some, for the last 8 months. And, her granddaughter, a 6 year old little girl, who is practically my niece, lays in a hospital bed tonight awaiting a cancer biopsy tomorrow from her lung and arm.

?????

I'm a Christian. I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I know He gave me my 3 beautiful, awesome kids... But I don't understand the rest. Why these women? Why that little girl? She is so awesome-ly cool! Why does she have to go through this when there's kids killing their parents, other kids and robbing or looting...? Why does this child have to suffer, when all she's done is inspire humongous giggles and infectious laughter??

She didn't do anything to anyone, and wouldn't! Her warm smile can light up a room with just a flicker of a grin, and can take you from pissed to blissed in sixty seconds! Her laughter sounds better than smooth Jazz on a summer night! There's nothing anyone could say to make me believe this baby deserved this.

I don't understand why God would strike a family twice?? But it's not for me to question Him. He has his reasons and who am I to question His all-knowing plan?

That doesn't mean I have to agree with Him.

I really REALLY hate cancer. I'd like to punch it in its ugly stupid face!! It's not fair and "it" doesn't care. Why do the good people always get f*ucked and the bad get everything?!

Why can't for ONCE the good guy win???

A good friend of mine and her husband are also fighting an up-hill battle. Not with cancer, but still just as life-threatening. They're awaiting a kidney transplant and doing everything they can to raise money and awareness. They are, plain and simple, good people and do not deserve to be dealing with this.

Still newlyweds, they should be building their life together and planning their family. Instead, they're dealing with doctor appointments, fundraisers and transplant lists. They don't drink, smoke or use drugs. Either one of them would give you the shirt off their back or their very last dollar, if you needed it...without question.

How fair is that??

I'm so angry!! I want to hit something! It's not right! These people are good, honest people. It doesn't make sense!

All day, every day, I listen to a hundred different reasons why this customer or that customer doesn't want to or thinks they shouldn't have to pay their bill, and why they should get a credit to their account for their used services. And the whole time....these incredible, giving people are dealing with something so much bigger than the "almighty dollar"....

Life.

And no matter how it's handed to them, they greet it head on and with a smile. Moment to moment, these people are "seizing the day."

And the thing is? Not one of them has asked 'why me.' They haven't complained, fussed or fought...they just accept it and take another step...

...simply awesome...

I'm not so sure I could do that. But they keep going. They play the hand Life dealt them, and still find reasons to smile and push forward. They're living their life the best way they know how.

They live the life God gave them. The same life He is trying to take.

I am humbled. I am awed.

Carpe Diem.

Life isn't about what you have. It's about how you live it and what you do with it.

"Seize the day."

The Stranger I Know

It's been a rough month. But, I am proud to say I have not shed one tear over him. Nor will I.

A good friend of mine just changed her status on Facebook to single. I don't have a relationship status. Never have. One, I'm a private person and don't like to display my life; but the main reason is my family did not approve of my choice in "significant other" and neither did my friends.

And they were right.

I am very upset over the recent turn of events. More angry than upset, which makes it very easy to walk away. Apparently, not only is this guy an asshole, but he's a heartless coward too. How do you steal money from your own mother's cancer benefit and be able to sleep at night?? And he can't lie his way out of this one. It was caught on tape.

That was the cherry on my shit-sundae.

I feel like I've wasted 6 years of my life. My eyes are finally open. It's pretty bad when his own sister said that I deserve better than her brother. And his other siblings agreed with her. Even his mother...

This past month, he has changed so much. I have no idea who he is anymore. And, I have no desire to know, or be with, a person who would do that to his own mother. Twice.

I'm better than that. No more.

Even the good times that I remember, and still had with him up to Friday night, cannot make up for the damage he's done in this last month. He has fucked himself several times over. And his biggest loss??

Our son.

So, go ahead, Damon, get your drugs, have your fun, and steal from your family and what few friends you do have. In the end, you will be alone and no one will give a shit.

You've busted everyone's "give a damn."

I Looked Back

The old cliche says to never look back. Or is it, never look down? Whatever. Either way, I did it.

I'm glad I did though. But there's a small part of me that wishes I'd resorted to my old habits of immersing myself in the Rivers of Denial, and allowing it to wrap me in its caressing waves of "it doesn't apply to me" and "I'll worry about that tomorrow" and "it's not really that important, is it?"

I'm going to be 40 in November.

For once, I'm not having major panic attacks at the impending approach of my birthday, or plotting ways to avoid contact with my family and friends, or people in general for that matter, on that "dreaded" day.

Instead, I'm okay with growing another year older. Really. I'm even planning a kick-ass party with a band. My cousin, who is more like the sister I never had and always yearned for, turns 30 in October. So, we're celebrating together. I'm so blessed to have her, and she will never know the amount of sunshine she brings to my life.

But, with each of the "hills" that I'm cresting, inevitability, comes that reflection everyone has in their life, at one point or another.

In my past 40 years... I've tested boundaries, and set the limits; I've been the student, and the teacher; I've been the tears, and the tissue; I've loved hard, and lost so very much; I've said "I do," and then, "I don't," twice.

I've given life to 3 incredible children, eternally grateful for every blessed-second with them, and I've suffered the loss of 3 lives I'll never know and will forever mourn; I've been Mommy, and an egg donor; I've been my parents, and my children; I've been responsible, and very, very stupid.

I've been a part of my family, and a skeleton in the closet; I've been a sister, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, and the one who's whispered to be "blood related;" I've been the protector, and the harm; I've been the truth, and the lie; I've been the reality, and the beautiful, unforgettable fantasy.

I've tasted success, and swallowed the dirt of defeat; I've been a friend, and the dickhead asshole; I've laughed loud, and I've cried hard; I've been desperately sorry, and I have blatantly accused; I've been right and, oh, so very wrong.

I've been a victim, and the proud survivor; I've given until I bled, and taken until my head hung in shame; I've been sorry, and extremely angry; I've been the bulldozer, and a doormat; I've been in Left-field, and the "catcher" in the Right.

I've been everything in my first 40 years. But I've never been me.

Maybe, it's time....

I Have No Excuses

I haven't post on my blog for a very long, long time.

Shame on me. I have no one to blame, but myself, for that. I've felt as if I've been on a continuous, repeatative trip to the Back of Beyond since my last post.


My problem is that I have, and continue to, let others not only dictate my life, but my reactions and my feelings to the events of my life. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and constantly judged if I'm doing it right or wrong...as if there is a right or wrong. Basically, I've become a doormat.


I'm not kidding when I say there for awhile, I just existed. I put a smile on my face, one foot in front of the other and constructed a huge front, a fascade, to show everything was fine and "as it should be."


I agreed, for the sake of agreeing. I hate, absolutely abhore, the idea of conflict. I bent over backwards for those that needed me, and even for those that didn't, and even for those that expected and demanded it.


It never occured to me that those same people that I did the double backbends for, rarely, if ever, returned the favor. And if they did, constantly reminded me of the inconvience I caused.


I didn't think love was supposed to be an inconvience. I didn't think love was supposed to hurt.


I'm turning 40 years old on November 2. For the first time in 35 years, I'm not dreading my birthday. I've not started planning how or where I'm hiding out or how I'm going to dodge birthday wishes and my mother's insistance of a birthday cake, no matter who is there when I blow the candles out.


For the first time, I'm okay with growing another year older.


I don't look forty and I certainly don't act forty. Whether that's a good thing or bad thing, at this point in my life, I don't care.

I will not apologize for my thoughts, actions or behaviors anymore. I've apologized enough in my life.


I can count on one hand, the amount of people that have apologized to me for their thoughts and actions. Not that every wrong deserves another wrong, but damn...enough already.


The "welcome" sign on my forhead is not meant for everyone to wipe their feet on. People could take their shoes off. But no, since I've become accustomed to being walked on and treated like shit, which is no ones fault but my own, I take what's given to me and bite my tongue when it's downright mean, hatefull and uncalled for.


I'm gonna start calling bullshit when I see it.

Bullshit!! And you know who you are!!!


Life is way too short for someone else's shortcomings to backfire because of a person's self-denial, immaturatiy or distrust and, in their sick twisted mind, become my fault.


I was tremendously hurt by someone that I have loved, supported, taken back repeatedly, backed without question when others wouldn't, and always had a shoulder and a kind word when needed.

I thought the love I freely gave them was returned, and they had really changed, and at last, was really serious about building a life together, and making amends for past mistakes.


Boy, was I wrong. Way wrong.


While I agree with the fact that I should have been honest with my family, that was not permisson to scream at me and throw me out of their house. After 6 years, I think an adult conversation, or even a discussion period, was required. Not being yelled at and told to "get the fuck out. I'm done."


Then 2 hours later, a "private number" calls and on the other end, a girl is moaning as if having sex. Granted, it sounded more like a porno on TV than the real thing. As a friend pointed out, if I was called during sex, then it must not have been that good to begin with...

Either way, I agree that my family should have been told, straight-up. That's my bad. But, even if I was just hearing a porno or even the real thing, it is downright sick, twisted and completely done just to hurt me!

That right there changes my whole outlook and feelings on the situation.


I don't want people in my life that hurt me just because they can. How is that love?


It's not.


As much as it kills me...this will not be my loss.

When In Doubt...Laugh

I have an awesome sense of humor. I've always felt that's the one thing that has gotten me through my trials and tribulations up to now. That, and I'm extremely stubborn and determined when I want and need to be.

Usually, when life hands me lemons, instead of making lemonade, I juggle the yellow fruit and laugh. Not a chuckle, but a heart-felt, tear-inducing, side-splitting laugh. Okay, so that doesn't solve the problem, but it does make it easier to deal with the lemon-thrower, and eventually, the lemons themselves.

I've had some lemons thrown lately...which led me to this post, obviously.

I should clarify that the lemons (and I promise I'll stop using the "lemon" metaphor) were not thrown all at once, but slowly I've begun to realize that I have a few issues that I need to address.

Another thing about me...I love the River of Denial. I'll swan-dive headfirst into the center and backstroke around in circles until I'm exhausted, with the reasons that I'm emersing myself in the cool blackness waving at me from the grassy banks, teeth barred.

I have this talent of convincing myself that situations or issues that I don't want to deal with do not somehow apply to me. In my mind, if I don't think about them or even acknowledge them, they'll just simply go away like a whisper on the wind.

Those of us here in the Real World know this does not happen. Heh. All that causes is a nervous breakdown, or an avalanche of lemons (sorry, couldn't resist that one more time).

I thought I had a grip on the whole denial thing, but I realized lately, that I don't. The rug that I sweep everything under is looking like it's expecting babies anytime. So, I've started pulling one issue at a time out from under the rug and outright dealing with it. Something I'm very new at.

My whole point now is to control my life and not let it control me.

I'm off track and I've tried to remember in the past how I've dealt with getting back on track...then it hit me....with waves and rolls of laughter. I laughed 'till I cried. I slapped my thigh wiping tears and holding my stomach. I bellowed and tittered so loud my daughters thought I was having a breakdown of sorts!

However, the next morning when I got out of bed and wondered why my stomach muscles hurt, I smiled that knowing smile and laughed again...

Church Is In Session

Sigh.

I've been trying to write this entry for several weeks now. It seemed there was always a "reason" why I couldn't make an entry. See, when I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would be honest with myself when I posted here. No bullshit, and no saying what I thought should be said, but what I felt. Sort of my version of a church, so to speak.

I couldn't understand why I was having such a difficult time writing when one, I love to write and two, I love to have an opinion. Then I realized...I wasn't ready to be honest with myself.

It's been awhile since I've posted and Alistair, bless you, even posted to check on me. I wasn't ready to be truthful when that's the one thing I've been so adamant about lately.

He got out of jail two weeks ago tomorrow...

Yeah, I wasn't sure how I felt about that for awhile. Part of me was happy, not only for our son and his mother, but myself as well. But the majority of myself felt caged and smothered. Obviously, that worried me. Why did I feel trapped or that I couldn't breathe when I supposedly loved this person so much?

That same part of myself wondered then why he hurt me in the first place if he loved me so much? Why did he put me, and our families, through all this pain and suffering? Why did it take so much for him to realize what he had and what he wanted?

Did he realize how many times I'd heard the things he was saying? Did he know that I did not believe him? Did he care? I was astonished that I really didn't believe him. I was amazed that I really believed that I deserved better. I was terrified that I knew from the moment I saw him that I didn't have any chances left for him. Where did that leave us and our son?

I struggled with that for a long time, resorting to my old ways of putting off things that I loved and enjoyed doing. I began to walk on eggshells and hid my feelings so as to not upset him. I back-tracked by trying to make everyone, but myself and my children, happy.

I forgot why I decided to live again.

Because I was, am, worth more and deserve much better...because my KIDS are worth more and deserve so much better...

When I finally got to my feet again, I felt like I was starting all over. I got mad that everyone was worried about their feelings and how this was effecting them. Really? I sure as hell don't remember anyone else there on those nights!! No one, in the last several weeks, asked how I felt about all this. All I heard was everyone else's suggestions, opinions, and feelings...

Finally, my mother asked how I felt...and the dam broke.

Fear, confusion, love, excitement, anger, resentment...I'm a rainbow of emotions. However, the strongest emotion is determination. I will not be hurt again. I will not put my...our children through any more pain. They are first in my life, everything else is second.

For the first time in my life, I am standing on my own two feet. I actually like it. I don't want to give it up. I love my independence and freedom. I love the fact that I'm starting to really like myself and believe in myself.

I love the fact that I'm getting to know my kids all over again. We play and talk and cry...we're becoming a family. I'm their world and they're mine.

Maybe this post isn't as fluid as the others, or perhaps this one is a bit more raw and scattered. Either way, the point of the whole post is...I came, and I did post, and I was honest with myself...

I don't need a man to complete me. I'm just now realizing that. I need my kids, and I have that. If I go back to him...then I may loose them and I will NEVER EVER risk loosing them again... I came too close this last time, on many levels.

I'm realizing my denial. I'm accepting my reality.

It's very hard to go through something like this. There's two sides to this equation...the side that hates him, and doesn't want to hear anything at all about him; and the side that's for him, and doesn't want to hear anything bad about him. I have no one to talk to about this.

So, I came here...

I'm in the process of researching a website dedicated to domestic violence. I'd started a website years ago to deal with another tough issue, and it helped not only myself, but many others...I'm hoping the idea will work again.

And again, not only helping myself, but others in my shoes...

Also, I plan to write again. I was good at that once upon a time, actually very good. I plan to write what I know....

So, I guess the moral to this lesson is denial is a deep, dark river and if not careful, one can convince themselves of things that aren't, and can never be, and end up drowning in the river they've spent a lifetime filling.

Amen.