Customer Service With a Smile

I work in Customer Service, so I come in contact with many people daily. From the person who rings up my gas, to the person who hands me my morning coffee, to the people who call my service center for help with their particular issue. I always approach my job by putting myself in their shoes.

Each day, I talk to about 40 different people, sometimes more or less. But I always try to leave them a piece of my smile. A feature that hasn't been genuinely with me for a very long time. It's very hard to force a smile, but I've got an awesome sense of humor that helps when the smile won't budge. It's the only thing I had left after this relationship, he'd "destroyed" everything else.

When I first started this blog a couple weeks ago, I wasn't intending for "world recognition" or even site recognition. Imagine my surprise when I logged in tonight to make my weekly post and discovered that PurestGreen and Alistair had posted comments for me. (Thank you again!!)

They will never know how those posts affected me.

It's been a little over 6 weeks since my boyfriend was arrested for slamming my head against the cabinets with our two year old as a witness (before anyone calls the authorities, they are already involved....I called them). This was the 3rd time that I had called the police over his abuse...not the 3rd time that he's done it, just the 3rd time that I'd had enough, and called.

In those 6 weeks...I'd moved from the common home we'd shared back in with my parents. I've not discussed my thoughts or feelings or even really what happened with anyone, other than the police and the DCS department. I've gone internal with all of my feelings, thoughts and reactions. I keep it to myself.

I just go through my days, which have turned to weeks, praying each day will be better. The one thing that's been constant is my growing sense of self. Which, let's face it, if you've ever been involved in anything like this, you know what I'm talking about. You loose yourself in the other person. You become so obsessed with warding off the next "outburst" that you give up everything just to make sure he's happy.

You let go of family, friends, and God forgive me, but you put your children second, after his needs are met. You let go of yourself, your looks, your ideas, your thoughts, hell, even your basic decision making skills are gone... you become his shadow, his maid, his whatever he needs at the time to keep him from blowing up....and there are times when that doesn't work...like 6 weeks ago.

This time my son witnessed his father's actions. Before, none of our kids had ever witnessed his "outbursts". Alistair had verbalized my worst fear. He's never shown any violence towards our children, in fact, he's the opposite, but after this last time... that thought was in the back of my head. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he ever hurt any of the kids....

PurestGreen mentioned martyrdom, as well. Thank you. I'd been looking for a definition of what I'd been feeling. That's exactly it. Throughout all of our relationship, I kept telling myself that no one has ever given him a chance or they had all screwed him over or they had never understood him or that he'd always gotten the raw end of the deal...insert any excuse you like here...my point is I was willing to stay and sacrifice and give up and let go cause I'd interpreted his past as he'd been treated wrong. When all along, it was him, not his past or not me.

I had been knocked down so much by then that not only had I lost myself, but everything that went with that, except my sense of humor. Go figure. Thank God, cause that's what has gotten me through everything lately, and really helped in rebuilding myself back up.

Alistair said it best...I know what I have to do, I just haven't accepted it.

Does it break my heart? Yes, but he'd already done that so this is just like pouring salt in it. But my son witnessed his "outburst" this time. What if next time....

I've been talking to him, and he constantly tells me that he misses me and that he can't wait to see me...but what we don't talk about is why he's there, we just talk about him getting out and what to do to make that happen and when it will be. We don't talk about the pain he's caused me and the kids and our families...cause that would upset him and, Lord, knows we can't upset him while he's in jail....

We don't even mention the reason that he's even there...cause that would be bringing up the past. That would be upsetting him. While I am still in love with him...something has changed lately that never had happened before...I am starting to realize just what I'm worth and what I will and will not put up with.

I'm starting to find my balls, frankly.

I had a few before he and I met, but while we were together I became a doormat, afraid of my own shadow. But now, I'm the one taking care of my kids, going to work every day, getting relationships back with my kids and my parents... hell, I'm getting relationships back with someone other than him....

My point to this whole post was....excellent customer service PurestGreen and Alistair, you left me with a piece of your smile....

Till next week....