Thanks to the Cabinets

When you're in love, nothing makes sense.... and absolutely nothing matters.... You want to spend every waking minute with that love of your life and every breathing second next to him no matter if you're asleep, passed out or just sitting there picking your nose.

The point is...it doesn't matter.... it doesn't matter if he gets mad over something trivial and ignores you for 3 days; it doesn't matter if he smiles and talks to everyone else but not you, even though you've spent every moment agreeing with him and attending to his every need; it doesn't matter that he gets mad at you for a friend of his texting you a simple 'Happy Valentine's Day' and then makes you cry all day (and, you didn't return the text... nor did *he* even offer a 'Happy Valentine's Day' to you, even when you did to him); it doesn't matter that he slams your head into the cabinets for really no reason at all....

Love is blind... and very, very stupid... and sometimes too forgiving....

That's where I am.... standing here, a stupid look on my face, a broken heart, and wearing the damn T-shirt for women everywhere like me.... "What? I bruise very easy. He IS sorry... for the fifth time..."

I used to believe that the man who said that he loved me would defend me from any harm. That he would "beat-up" anyone who would try to hurt me.... currently, the only person he has beat up, is me.... I can talk him down from attacking OTHER people, I just can't stop him from hurting ME.... other than to be away from him.... like now.

That DOES make sense to me... Let me just clear one thing up right now, I AM educated and I DO know right from wrong.... I just got lost for a bit and have recently, thanks to the cabinets, been enlightened as to what I'm worth and what I'm not going to take....

It's just hard getting my head and my heart on the same page.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and that is not just a denfense on his part. He IS a great guy. He just cannot drink whiskey. It's like flippping a switch with him. One minute he's standing there talking, the next he's tossing you across the room. It makes no sense.

So, right now, I'm staying with my parents, and he's in jail.

My heart is breaking because I know he's a great guy. And I am completely and utterly in love with him.

I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to be what and who he wanted. I walked around with blinders on so that I did not do anything to make him mad. I walk around on egg shells so as to not make him mad. I did not talk to ANYONE just so I would not risk pissing him off.

It did absolutely no good. We still fought. He thought any male that I talked to I was screwing. I wasn't. I wanted only him. I'm fairly certain that he was faithful to me too. Our main issue is that everyone in our past has screwed us over... Even though we know we are meant to be together, we still did not beleive each other or trust each other farther than we could throw each other... it is sick... and very sad. We've spent 4 years togehter and it's a stent in jail that finally makes us admit how we both really feel to each other.

"Hey, I love you, but I don't trust you."

That's pretty f***ed up. But pretty much what happened. At first that was okay with me, till the cabinets, then I started thinking that I should not... would not be ANYONE's punching bag. I'm better than that. HE's better than that.

He says he's sorry. I've heard that before. We've been together for 4 years and this is the 3rd time the police have been involed, but I can't tell you the number of times that he's said he's sorry.

I want to believe him on this sorry, but my head is telling me what everyone else who cares about me is saying, "He'll do it again. Maybe not next month or 6 months from now. But he WILL do it again. Maybe that time, he'll even kill you."

But my heart is completly listening to him... I can't shut the feelings off just because it is "socallly" correct, or because the police or a judge says I have too... it doesn't happen that way...

I love him....

*Sigh* ... But I know what's right, and I know what's wrong.

Like I said, I just have to get my heart and my head on the same page....

But then again, time does heal a lot of wounds..... and if he could prove that he has changed.... But I know.... it takes a lot to make a person change... and even more to convince someone that a person has really changed....

So you see where I am... the Back of Beyond... I have no idea where I am... I love him and I hate him... Is that normal???

Till next time....

In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created Man.

Then He eventually created Woman to keep Man, not only company but, let's face it, in line. Although Eve gave Adam the apple, he didn't have to eat it, but he did. Thus, history was made....and, zillions of years later, woman all over the world are still hearing about it and "paying" for it, and still receiving the "blame" for offering the apple that, after it was all said and done, ended Eden.

Okay, so my point is, if God created Adam first, then by birth order, he was the older and supposedly wiser of the two. I've read the Bible many, many times over my life, and also read many different religious versions of the Bible. However, you know, Adam could have said no, and being the older of the two, could have said, "Hey Evie, I'm sure the Big Guy would get a little pissed over us eating from that particular tree", but oh no, when it was all said and done... Eve got the blame.

That's my point.

The man messes up and women are left to clean up the mess. Now this blog is not in any way meant to be a religious blog. It's just my blog. Read it long enough and you'll understand why I began the way that I did.

Till next time....