When you're in love, nothing makes sense.... and absolutely nothing matters.... You want to spend every waking minute with that love of your life and every breathing second next to him no matter if you're asleep, passed out or just sitting there picking your nose.
The point is...it doesn't matter.... it doesn't matter if he gets mad over something trivial and ignores you for 3 days; it doesn't matter if he smiles and talks to everyone else but not you, even though you've spent every moment agreeing with him and attending to his every need; it doesn't matter that he gets mad at you for a friend of his texting you a simple 'Happy Valentine's Day' and then makes you cry all day (and, you didn't return the text... nor did *he* even offer a 'Happy Valentine's Day' to you, even when you did to him); it doesn't matter that he slams your head into the cabinets for really no reason at all....
Love is blind... and very, very stupid... and sometimes too forgiving....
That's where I am.... standing here, a stupid look on my face, a broken heart, and wearing the damn T-shirt for women everywhere like me.... "What? I bruise very easy. He IS sorry... for the fifth time..."
I used to believe that the man who said that he loved me would defend me from any harm. That he would "beat-up" anyone who would try to hurt me.... currently, the only person he has beat up, is me.... I can talk him down from attacking OTHER people, I just can't stop him from hurting ME.... other than to be away from him.... like now.
That DOES make sense to me... Let me just clear one thing up right now, I AM educated and I DO know right from wrong.... I just got lost for a bit and have recently, thanks to the cabinets, been enlightened as to what I'm worth and what I'm not going to take....
It's just hard getting my head and my heart on the same page.
Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and that is not just a denfense on his part. He IS a great guy. He just cannot drink whiskey. It's like flippping a switch with him. One minute he's standing there talking, the next he's tossing you across the room. It makes no sense.
So, right now, I'm staying with my parents, and he's in jail.
My heart is breaking because I know he's a great guy. And I am completely and utterly in love with him.
I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to be what and who he wanted. I walked around with blinders on so that I did not do anything to make him mad. I walk around on egg shells so as to not make him mad. I did not talk to ANYONE just so I would not risk pissing him off.
It did absolutely no good. We still fought. He thought any male that I talked to I was screwing. I wasn't. I wanted only him. I'm fairly certain that he was faithful to me too. Our main issue is that everyone in our past has screwed us over... Even though we know we are meant to be together, we still did not beleive each other or trust each other farther than we could throw each other... it is sick... and very sad. We've spent 4 years togehter and it's a stent in jail that finally makes us admit how we both really feel to each other.
"Hey, I love you, but I don't trust you."
That's pretty f***ed up. But pretty much what happened. At first that was okay with me, till the cabinets, then I started thinking that I should not... would not be ANYONE's punching bag. I'm better than that. HE's better than that.
He says he's sorry. I've heard that before. We've been together for 4 years and this is the 3rd time the police have been involed, but I can't tell you the number of times that he's said he's sorry.
I want to believe him on this sorry, but my head is telling me what everyone else who cares about me is saying, "He'll do it again. Maybe not next month or 6 months from now. But he WILL do it again. Maybe that time, he'll even kill you."
But my heart is completly listening to him... I can't shut the feelings off just because it is "socallly" correct, or because the police or a judge says I have too... it doesn't happen that way...
I love him....
*Sigh* ... But I know what's right, and I know what's wrong.
Like I said, I just have to get my heart and my head on the same page....
But then again, time does heal a lot of wounds..... and if he could prove that he has changed.... But I know.... it takes a lot to make a person change... and even more to convince someone that a person has really changed....
So you see where I am... the Back of Beyond... I have no idea where I am... I love him and I hate him... Is that normal???
Till next time....
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He won't change. There is something fundamentally wrong with a man who is violent towards you. My first boyfriend had a knack of making me feel like his violent outbursts had been my fault, and even more guilty that I would break up with him and "just throw us away." All these years later, I carry a furry and an ache that he planted in me. It makes me feel contaminated, like some alien fear lives in me and won't move out.
ReplyDeleteIf you go back to him, you are passively telling him that his behavior is acceptable. You may be educated and otherwise confident, but some women stay because of a strange addiction to their own sense of martyrdom, sacrificing themselves at the alter of the men who abuse them. In that way it makes them feel superior to their partners, and that is why they stay - for that mutated positive kickback.
Any person who hurts you is not showing you love. FACT. Stay away from him. Seek to reinvent and renew yourself. Love for yourself is more important and will be the basis to any future healthy relationships.
I'll shut up now.
Hullo Amy,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog by random and I'm stunned by what you have posted here. No-one deserves to be beaten and have it described as love. No one deserves to have to try and rationalise such behaviour to try and make it fit into any kind of acceptabilty. No-one deserves to be loved by a caring woman when treating her in that way.
You need to listen to your family and friends. You need to listen to the lady above. You need to listen to your head and NOT your heart.
I think you already know it, just haven't accepted it yet.
You have to look after yourself and your children.
How many times do you have to forgive him before you realise not that he doesn't want to change, but that he can't. How many years will you suffer before realising you've been there too many times before? Can you also think of living with the fear that he might take out his anger on your children one day? Could you live with yourself if that happened?
Your heart will heal. You deserve better. You will find it. Believe it.
Be safe.........Al.
I want to apologize for not commenting earlier on your posts. I'd thought I would be notified... hahaha, I'm a little educated but my daughter just laughs when I say that in relation to a computer. Anyway, I read both of your posts with trepidation, and waited for that defense (for him) to kick in like it always had...and it didn't.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much for your words... you're both right. But Al you hit it on the head when you said I just hadn't accepted it yet. I'm working on it though. I've got a good support system if I would just use them.
That's why I started this blog. i made the promise to myself that I would be honest when I wrote here... my church so to speak.
Anyway... thank you both... your words helped more than you will ever know....