Sigh.
I've been trying to write this entry for several weeks now. It seemed there was always a "reason" why I couldn't make an entry. See, when I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would be honest with myself when I posted here. No bullshit, and no saying what I thought should be said, but what I felt. Sort of my version of a church, so to speak.
I couldn't understand why I was having such a difficult time writing when one, I love to write and two, I love to have an opinion. Then I realized...I wasn't ready to be honest with myself.
It's been awhile since I've posted and Alistair, bless you, even posted to check on me. I wasn't ready to be truthful when that's the one thing I've been so adamant about lately.
He got out of jail two weeks ago tomorrow...
Yeah, I wasn't sure how I felt about that for awhile. Part of me was happy, not only for our son and his mother, but myself as well. But the majority of myself felt caged and smothered. Obviously, that worried me. Why did I feel trapped or that I couldn't breathe when I supposedly loved this person so much?
That same part of myself wondered then why he hurt me in the first place if he loved me so much? Why did he put me, and our families, through all this pain and suffering? Why did it take so much for him to realize what he had and what he wanted?
Did he realize how many times I'd heard the things he was saying? Did he know that I did not believe him? Did he care? I was astonished that I really didn't believe him. I was amazed that I really believed that I deserved better. I was terrified that I knew from the moment I saw him that I didn't have any chances left for him. Where did that leave us and our son?
I struggled with that for a long time, resorting to my old ways of putting off things that I loved and enjoyed doing. I began to walk on eggshells and hid my feelings so as to not upset him. I back-tracked by trying to make everyone, but myself and my children, happy.
I forgot why I decided to live again.
Because I was, am, worth more and deserve much better...because my KIDS are worth more and deserve so much better...
When I finally got to my feet again, I felt like I was starting all over. I got mad that everyone was worried about their feelings and how this was effecting them. Really? I sure as hell don't remember anyone else there on those nights!! No one, in the last several weeks, asked how I felt about all this. All I heard was everyone else's suggestions, opinions, and feelings...
Finally, my mother asked how I felt...and the dam broke.
Fear, confusion, love, excitement, anger, resentment...I'm a rainbow of emotions. However, the strongest emotion is determination. I will not be hurt again. I will not put my...our children through any more pain. They are first in my life, everything else is second.
For the first time in my life, I am standing on my own two feet. I actually like it. I don't want to give it up. I love my independence and freedom. I love the fact that I'm starting to really like myself and believe in myself.
I love the fact that I'm getting to know my kids all over again. We play and talk and cry...we're becoming a family. I'm their world and they're mine.
Maybe this post isn't as fluid as the others, or perhaps this one is a bit more raw and scattered. Either way, the point of the whole post is...I came, and I did post, and I was honest with myself...
I don't need a man to complete me. I'm just now realizing that. I need my kids, and I have that. If I go back to him...then I may loose them and I will NEVER EVER risk loosing them again... I came too close this last time, on many levels.
I'm realizing my denial. I'm accepting my reality.
It's very hard to go through something like this. There's two sides to this equation...the side that hates him, and doesn't want to hear anything at all about him; and the side that's for him, and doesn't want to hear anything bad about him. I have no one to talk to about this.
So, I came here...
I'm in the process of researching a website dedicated to domestic violence. I'd started a website years ago to deal with another tough issue, and it helped not only myself, but many others...I'm hoping the idea will work again.
And again, not only helping myself, but others in my shoes...
Also, I plan to write again. I was good at that once upon a time, actually very good. I plan to write what I know....
So, I guess the moral to this lesson is denial is a deep, dark river and if not careful, one can convince themselves of things that aren't, and can never be, and end up drowning in the river they've spent a lifetime filling.
Amen.
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Hullo Amy,
ReplyDeleteGreat to hear from you. Thank Goodness.
This is a tough post to read, like the ones before. I imagine that there will be many similar and that's good too if it helps take you forward. As I said before, you are the important one here. Finding the way forward that's right for you and your family is the key to a better future for you all.
Hopefully it's a release to be able to vent, and vent anonymously, to get some of those things out that perhaps you cant to those family members that maybe would benefit from hearing it, but not before you have had a chance to look at it formed and perhaps do a bit of nip and tuck, a bit of inspection, a bit of clean and polish, a bit of edit and reject. Writing is surely the right medium to do this. Communication and response, review and challenge, confirm and deny, accept and observe are only some of the benefits that can come from the exercise you're undertaking here. I appreciate that it takes time to form thoughts and feelings to the stage where you feel able to post them logically, emotionally. It takes guts to bear your heart when you have already had it hurt so
Some things you post might only ever end up here. Some things you might take home to roost and some you may send on to others in different ways when you, and they, are ready and able to cope with them better.
I have read what you have written here several times. I hear the determination to move forward in your voice. I hear the fear and worry too. It feels too easy to say don't worry things will get better. What right do I have, with no experience like yours, to comment on such things? And yet, I can't not comment when such pain is described with such honesty, when such determination is so deserving of support and if possible nurture.
It's tough to hear a 'soul' in torment and not react. It's beyond tough. I would go so far as to say its inhuman. It's certainly immoral. It's unforgiveable to be just a voyeur if by a simple act such as a comment or a word of understanding or encouragement, of questioning or challenge, you have the potential to help someone move on.
I have signed up to follow your journey because what you said in that first post, the way you said it, called to me. I hope to be there at the end too. I hope you don't mind if I stick my oar in on occasion. If I don't agree I'll tell you, but I'll also tell you why. I will listen to you. I will try to hear.{there's a difference in my opinion}
I don't know if you have anyone you can talk to openly other than through the blog. I hope you do. That would always be the best. But if you post anything here then I hope anyone who thinks to comment back always treat it responsibly and with care, as I will always try to do.
It's natural, I imagine, in circumstances like you find yourself in, to both blame yourself and to accept too easily when others deny the gravity and reality of the situation or even suggest that in some way you have brought it all on your own head. I think this is what I read into some of your comments about the reaction in the wider family. I think it's easier for them to react this way than to face an uncomfortable truth that this can happen to an innocent in their own family. It's easy to lay blame at the old 'two sides to every story' adage, to sweepit under the carpet and hope it all goes away. Life is more complicated than that.
I hope you can stick to your guns. I hope you can hold those ideals - whats best for your kids, for you too - at the forefront when you face those reactions and your own dips in self confidence. I'm sure they will come.
I think that's enough from me now. I'm really glad you have not disappeared without trace. You've been in my thoughts. I hope to hear the next soon. In the meantime, you take care.
Kind regards........Al.
Al,
ReplyDeleteAs always it's wonderful to hear from you! Your kind words always make me smile and not feel so alone, even though I have family and friends around me.
I don't talk much about my circumstances to many...no one understands, or have choosen "sides" and only want to hear the side that they are affiliated with...leaving me in the middle...
Another reason why I started this blog...a place to be me and once I learn to trust a bit more, I'll loosen up...
But again, thank you for your thoughts and kind words...and feel free to put your two oars in when you feel I need to "hear" them...
All my best,
Amy